PiDDLE News Network

Microsoft's Steve Ballmer: "(Vista) will change your baby's diapers."

Vista, the long-awaited new operating system from Microsoft sold only 7 copies in its first day of availability. "We're behind plan," an embarrassed Steve Ballmer, President of Microsoft, said in an interview, "but we have big expectations. Our expectation is that every man, woman and child in America will use this product. It changes diapers. And people hate doing that. So that is proof that Vista adds value. It opens your Coke for you. It speaks to prophets. It will raise your relatives from the dead. People should buy two copies." Later, when demonstrating the product, Bill Gates was shaken when an errant, unexpected electro-charge from a PC running his new product set his polyester shirt on fire.

John Edwards listed his campaign platform from a crowded IHOP in Missouri this morning. The complete list of "paradigm-shifting breakthroughs" as Mr. Edwards described them, came in a list of six imperatives he lists as "musts" for every citizen of the United States. The initiatives represent the promises Edwards is banking on for his campaign.

These six imperatives include the following.

1. Free dental floss mailed weekly to all citizens
2. Free health care for all families that vote for John Edwards
3. Head start program for babies that have big heads
4. Free groceries on Fridays
5. Free houses for all who say a magic word ("The Vocabulary Initiative")

BRANDY: FULL STORY


Brandy Mist, star of film and stage, sold her last name two year ago for $2 million. Now she faces a $50 million lawsuit that may require her to sell her first name. The potentially nameless star would have to come up with a symbol to represent herself professionally.

This from the CNN:

LOS ANGELES, California (Reuters) -- Singer-actress Brandy was sued for $50 million Tuesday by the family of a woman killed in a four-car freeway crash which police have blamed on the 27-year-old performer.

The wrongful death lawsuit by the parents of Awatef Aboudihaj, 38, was filed in Los Angeles County Superior Court a day after police recommended that prosecutors charge Brandy with a misdemeanor count of vehicular manslaughter.

The California Highway Patrol found that the entertainer, whose full name is Brandy Norwood, was at fault in the December 30 accident for failing to prevent her Land Rover from hitting the car in front of her when traffic suddenly slowed, CHP spokesman Leland Tang said this week.

Aboudihaj was killed when her vehicle slammed into a third car, careened into the freeway's center divider and was hit broad-side by a fourth automobile, police said.

The lawsuit, filed as a three-page form complaint, says her death was caused by "reckless driving" by Brandy. It seeks $50 million in compensatory and punitive damages.

Investigators have ruled out alcohol and drugs as factors in the crash and say there was no evidence that Brandy was using a cell phone or was otherwise distracted. She was in her car alone, Tang said.

BRANDY: FULL STORY

A reasonable, family-oriented practice has come under fire in Lebanon for no good reason. A religious ritual was called into question because there was a little blood in the process.

From CNN - NABATIYEH, Lebanon (AP) -- The 6-year-old boy screamed and shook his head to avoid the razor blade. But his father held him firmly as Hajj Khodor parted the boy's black hair and sliced his forehead three times with the blade.

Ali Madani's cries became more violent as blood gushed from the wound, covering his small, terrified face.

His father and a few other men, waving daggers, broke into a religious chant, recalling how the 7th-century Shiite Muslim saint, Imam Hussein, was decapitated, his head placed on a lance. (Watch Shiites flagellate themselves as part of an Ashura ritual )

In marking the holiest day of Ashura, some Shiites believe children should learn at an early age about Hussein's suffering, which is at the heart of their faith.

Lebanon's top Shiite cleric, Ayatollah Mohammed Hussein Fadlallah, has banned bloodletting during Ashura, even for adults.

Clerics in mainly Shiite Iran forbid it as well, saying the practice is un-Islamic because it harms the body.

Full Story: Kids Cut

John Edwards, for some reason, responded to President Bush's State of the Union speech for some reason. Speaking as if he mattered and that anyone cared what he said, Mr. Edwards said in part:

President Bush's address tonight was heavy on rhetoric, but light on everything else. The American people said they wanted change and what they got was more of the same — small ideas that won't make a difference in the lives of working Americans.

They said they wanted straight talk and a vision for the future, what they got was a rationalization for the failed policies of the past.

Snooze warning. Snooze warning. Snooze warning.
Click Here For Restful Night's Sleep - johnedwards.com

BUY PiDDLE LOGO MERCHANDISE HERE

In a spooky move that some expected, Bank of America plans to buy United States, the country, in a deal that is estimated to be in the trillions of dollars. "It's perfect for us, we will just drop the 'Bank of' from our name and we'll be left with just 'America'" a spokeperson said. "It is a good fit. This will really help us raise fees and grow our business and stuff. We feel that if we own the country, we can find new ways to charge people for things that used to be free. Much like most of the fees we charge now, they never notice."

The deal is expected to announce this morning.

Bank of America Announcement

A variety of weather will continue all across the country as systems toss and turn in odd patterns that defy logic. "There will be snow and rain and stuff," Meteorologist Smill Rogers said in an interview. "Some parts of the country will get certain kinds of weather - and it will be the opposite of the weather we'll see on the other side of the country. Some parts of hte country will have the same type of weather. We don't know."

The mass killings in Iraq are causing the whole country to shrink - so that there is possibility that there will be no Iraqi people left in the country by early 2008, experts say. Troops are already having a tough time finding people to protect and train. And the numbers are moving in the wrong direction. Each day hundreds of Iraqis are killed by their neighbors over vital differences of religion, which is a worthy cause. But, sadly, if this rate continues, US troops will outnumber the Iraqis by February of next year.

Starbucks has added Pfizer to its acquisition list. The caffeine peddlers have branched out into other mood-altering ingestible products with the purchase. We sell things that make people feel good; it makes sense that we buy a drug company that makes people get better," said a spokesperson. "We'll work on the packaging some, but this is a solid investment," he concluded.

The center of the solar system sent a message to world leaders recently: It wants to be heard. In an unprecedented event, the Sun (yes, that sun) wanted to give clues about the universe. "Speaking" with morse code and universal gush language etected with powerful telescopes, the sun has asked for a news conference where it ostensibly will relay secrets of the past and future. World leaders have so far ignored the Sun's call for a news conference and do not even acknowledge the signals.

Sun Is Getting Mad

The cloned cattle debate rages on as several world inspection agencies deem the product safe for consumption. The GMO crowd circles, promising to make the debate a lengthy one. Safe money indicates that the cloned cattle will be labeled as such and the products will suffer the same plight as irradiation: safe but rarely used. And with little future.

Cloned Cattle Debate Rages On

Starbucks is extending thier brand to pants with their new Cappa-Chinos. The pants will be available at stores nationwide starting in May. With a suggested price of $39.99, the pants are a relative bargain. "We think it will do better than our promotion of 'Akeelah and the Bee'", a spokeperson said on condition of anonymity. "But sales of dog bones in our stores would do better than that movie performed. Want to buy a copy?"

MORE ON WHEEL WELL FATALITY



A man apparently stowing away on a flight from Senegal to Atlanta in the plane's wheel well was killed. Officials say it is not uncommon for stowaways to die in these circumstances as temperatures often reach below freezing on the plane's exterior.

From Northwest Arkansas:

Mike Huckabee entered the presidential race today with a thud. With no new ideas and no cash, he has about the same chances of the other people entering the race at this time. Further, with no leadership experience, it is just a matter of time before he crashes from his lofty, self-made perch.

Huckabee faces a challenge raising money and establishing name recognition in order to mount a top-tier candidacy, according to Stuart Rothenberg, a Washington based political analyst.

"I don't think anybody giving an honest appraisal can say Mike Huckabee is a leader now. He needs the frontrunners to stumble; he needs to interest people," Rothenberg said.

Huckabee on Sunday offered few policy details, but advertised himself as someone who can offer "positive, optimistic leadership to kind of turn this country around."

Among topics he discussed, he said the federal government needs to find a way to make the flat tax a reality. A flat tax in its simplest form assesses income tax evenly among all Americans based on a percentage of income.

I HEART HUCKABEE!