PiDDLE News Network

Just Released Cover of New Harry Potter Book, "Harry Potter and the Wizard Cleaner"

The new Harry Potter book, "Harry Potter and the Wizard Cleaner", will be released in July. Fans of the series, numbering over 25 people, have been waiting for the book for months now. "Really, I had forgotten all about it," one anxious fan explained. He continued, "Someone on the street was selling old Harry Potter books at a steep discount and then I remembered there was one book left. You know what? I hope the kid dies so that the world will not have to endure the pain of more of this pointless commercial trash. I mean, give me a break. What is the point here?"

The new book will retail for $500.00.

Harry Potter and the Wizard Cleaner has not hit stores yet, but a picture from the book surfaced on the internet. In a plot spoiler, Harry, seen here next to a white horse, strips naked and chases the animal through a field of organic grain. The horse trips and PITA steps in to arrest the young wizard. Then, JK Rowling, in realization of her wrongful commerce, steps intp her own fictional book and provides a refund for all people who have ever bought a Harry Potter book. Bravo!!!

Q-Tip Spokesperson Chris Sligh Does His "Weird Al" Impression

"Talented" singer Chris Bligh was voted off American Idol yesterday by consumers who were tired of his "Weird Al" impression. The Q-Tip pitchman was off-key on most of his songs thoughout the contest but was saved by throngs of fans who reminded them off cleaning their ears.

Friends During Better Times

The cast of friends reunited to pick out clothes for their new series, "Not Friends, Not Talented". The series stars all original cast members from the show, except they are not friends instead of being friends. "It really adds a cool new element to the premise," series creator Smarmy Underwood said in an interview. "They were friends, and now they are not." The original working title for the program, "This Show Sucks", was removed early on because producers thought it over-promised on the premise.

Sun Lee Took Eight Years to Find Matching Tie for His Suit

A Korean man searched for eight years to find a matching tie for his pea-colored military uniform. The tie odyssey started in late 1999 when Mr. Lee was given a suit and was told to find a matching tie. "I could not find one," Lee said through an interpreter. "The color was quite unusual and umatchable. Then one day I find tie that had been in a bean box for a century. It was perfect. It smells like beans, though." He then added, "Does this blue silk pocket square match?"

Nick Nolte Named President of Wells Fargo Sub-Prime Loan Department

Nick Nolte was named president of Wells Fargo subprime loan division. The division, with three total employees, oversees loans of over $100,000.

Picture of Diane Lane with Bare Feet on a Plywood Floor

Stunning actress Diane Lane has single-handedly started a run on plywood flooring with her picture. The picture above, showing Diane Lane cozying up on a couch sitting only on plywood, has turned up the heat on the basic staple of lumber. Stan Doost of the Home Depot in Fargo, North Dakata explained, "I don't understand it. The lady is pretty and all, but I don't get why people want to buy plywood and stuff. It's not like she is included with the plywood." There was no comment from Diane Lane.

The Police Show Off New Stage Costumes. Quick! Which One Is Sting?

The Police, set for their world tour, showed off new stage clothes in preparation for their musical travels. "I think they look great," Sting stated. "Who do we look like? The Police! There is no question. We don't look like Rush or Bachman Turner Overdrive in these suits. We look like the Police." Mission accomplished.

Pitt Responds to Jolie's Plans for More Adopted Children

Brad Pitt, apparently tired of a growing family that increases in size weekly, has voiced concern over the family plans of Angelina Jolie. "I mean, she is really hot and everything, but what's the deal with the adoption-a-rama? We can't go to the airport without having kids want to be adopted. Now it's teens, toddlers, everybody. What a disaster. Somebody stop her. I cannot." the hunky idol stated.

Britney with New "Lobster Dance" Therapy

Part of Britney Spears new addiction therapy is the "lobster dance", a leading therapist opined. In this picture, a bikini-clad spears is seen walking on her hands and heels, a common practice for patients in recovery. "It teaches the patient to keep the behind off the ground, and that is vital. Also, it makes it difficult to drive a car, and in her case, that is good."

Tiger with Wife, Swedelle Norgrenalofsven

The Tiger Woods camp has rumors circulating that the links master is looking for a new golf tour to test his skills. After winning fifteen straight tournaments, the crafty linkster is looking for another avenue with better competitors. "We're looking at other solar systems, that is for sure," an unnamed source tells PeeNN. "But the travel would be hideous. We're already scheduled all the way up-the-shaft to the grip." He added, "Isn't my wife hot?"

Will the Second Coming of Akeelah and the Bee "Buzz"?

Starbucks today announced the commitment to do a second round of the movie "Akeelah and the Bee", aptly titled "Akeelah and the Bee 2". The first movie sold over $475.00 worth of tickets and was roundly panned by critics despite high publicity at Starbucks stores. To juice ticket sales, Starbucks gave away free coffee to people who committed to seeing the movie. Gee, I do everything that is recommended by my coffee counter person, so I do not know why the movie failed," opined stock analyst Mike Swell. "Last week he (the coffee clerk) suggested I go snow boarding. I went and broke my leg."

Edwards as the Articulate Hulk

John Edwards has developed a talent for turning green and delivering incredibly articulate speeches. As the "Articulate Hulk", these speeches have been fiery and progressive. Of course, the green tint to Edwards' skin has him appealing to new voters.

Star Gazer: Obama Displays His "Planet-Sized" Hand

In a move that has Washington buzzing, Barack Obama has sought planetary designation for his hand siting its "enormous" mass. "My hand is big, that's for sure. And today I announce its candidacy for planet, replacing Pluto." Scientists would not comment on the request other than to shake their heads in disgust and horror.