PiDDLE News Network

John Edwards Had the Biggest Mess to Clean Up After the Debate

In an effort to keep the debate reasonably well-paced and fact-filled, candidates were forced to clean-up their own rhetoric afterwards. Debate organizers believed this would help candidates focus on the facts, and not made-up material that was more loosely based.

Despite this unusual rule, John Edwards had to clean up some 80 pounds of rhetoric after the debate. Those watching the clean-up were pleased that he did his job.

Wallace State Cheer Squad Performs at the Game of Record-Breaking Attendance

Wallace State broke an attendance record this year drawing over 6 fans to one of their basketball games. At most games, the players outnumber the fans. But in the fierce rivalry between the Crunchy School of the Mines and Wallace State, the crowds showed up in force.
All 6 fans in attendance received a bobblehead courtest of Wallace Chevy.

Jury Chosen for Trial of Pet Food Company vs. United States

The tainted pet food scare has led to a lawsuit against the Swell Pet Food Company, and the jury has been chosen. The District Court has suggested that the jury be made up of all pets, since they are most affected by the tainted food. The jury was chosen to represent the public as a mix of cats and dogs, and some squirrels. The trial is set to begin in June.

Barack Oboredom wowed the crowds in South Carolina again with an unsubstantive speech that was so washed out Procter and Gamble's TIDE(R) detergent wanted to be a sponsor.

Highlights are included below.

From MSN.com

But if his Charleston speech is any indication, Obama’s campaign oratory remains quite general. The address had no memorable call to arms or call to action, no righteous anger at the Democrats’ foes, and little zest for combat or sense of the fun of politics.

The Illinois senator did say, among other things:

“If we apply technology to the health care system so that we eliminate paperwork and bureaucracy and improve the quality of care, we can take those savings and make sure that every single American has health care.”
“There is no easy solution (to urban violent crime) because it took us years to get to this point…. The best anti-crime program is a good education program.”
“Parents are going to have to parent… We have too many children who are not being raised.”
“I don’t mean to be simplistic about this (drug trafficking), but I do think this is a general thing that I’ve got to remind people of, that government can’t do everything.”
“What’s missing is leadership and the capacity for all of us to work together regardless of race, regardless of region. We need to unify the United States of America, not divide the United States of America.”

Doctors Choose from A Menu of Drug-Company Freebies

Doctors across the nation demanded more free stuff from drug companies because the industry "owes us". The startling stand was made by the new group, Doctors For Getting More Free Stuff, established in February, 2007. "Without us, there would be no prescription drug market," Dr. Flimsaw stated, perhaps bringing a new arc to circular logic. "So who better to get freebies. Bring us more!"

Drug companies want to pile on more free stuff, with an eye on pricey dinners and athletic tickets. An estimate done by the NFL indicates that if drug companies were unconstrained by ethics law, the league could expand by 12 teams.

Despite ethics rules designed to curb the practice, doctors are still accepting gifts from drug company reps. Doctors insist that the gifts are necessary to help supplement their flagging income and promote goodwill among patients. Responding to the goodwill of patients, doctors insist that they are in a "better mood" when they get free stuff - and when the doctor is in a good mood, the patient is in a good mood.

Other findings:

83 percent received food and drinks.
78 percent accepted free drug samples.
35 percent were reimbursed for costs associated with professional meetings.
28 percent pocketed consulting or lecture fees.
7 percent took free tickets to games and other events.

L'IL ROMEO HAS A CONGENITAL DEFECT THAT MAKES HIM LEAN TO HIS RIGHT

Rapper L'il Romeo has committed to play basketball for USC, despite a congenital defect that makes him lean to his right. The rapper, shown leaning above, may have to wear a brace for his time with USC. "It might slow me down a bit, but I am a quick cat," the feline-oriented Romeo stated. The defect also gives him trouble putting his caps on straight, but that should not affect his game. To combat the hat problem, Romeo has been wearing wildly oversized headbands that make him look like a pirate.

ROSENFELD MAY ADD HAIR SPRAY TO THE LIST OF KRAFT PRODUCTS

Kraft CEO Irene Rosenfeld has taken over at the languishing food maker this week. An article in Forbes outlined her "big idea" to turn the company around. "We have a new product, Kraft Singles Select, that will set the world ablaze," an enthusiastic Rosenfeld stated. When a spokewoman was asked how the item is different, she replied that the cheese slices were thicker than previous items, with a heartier taste. Asked how much thicker, the spokewoman stated, "they have a greater thickness characteristic". That apparently means that the plastic wrapper is thicker, not the actual product.

Abandon ship on Kraft stock!

Rescue Workers Were Called In to Remove "The Wall" From Madonna's Face

Workers took ten hours to remove a wall from Madonna's face yesterday. Madonna was covering Pink Floyd's classic "The Wall" and got stuck during a dramatic crescendo. The crowd stucka round for the ten hours as Madonna was removed from her predicament, although there was some impatience shown. During the time of being "unstuck, Madonna made calls to inquire about adopting more African babies.

This Cardboard Cutout of Hormel Employees Has Replaced Missing Employees

In a development that has the town of Austin buzzing, six employees went missing in the Hormel plant last week and they were replaced by cardboard cutouts of themselves. "We don't know what happened to them, but the cutouts don't say too much," an observant worker stated. "They don't get much work done either."

Speculation is that the workers disappeared in the Reseach Kitchen and never made it back out. Possible reasons include a new dessert line being tasted and an industrial accident. Still, that does not explain the cutouts.

"It's puzzling," stated Forest Dipquad, Director of Research. "But I have no comment."

Polar Bears Find It Easy to Nap on the Ice

Global Warming is causing Polar Bears to become sleepy and snooze part of their days away. In a report by the ICY TIMES, the warming climate is making polar bears drowsy throughout the day, causing widespread napping when bears should be looking for food. Al Gore, Oscar-winning director of "An Inconvenient Truth" could not be reached for comment. But a representative calling himself "a big fan of Mr. Gore's" said that the bears, in an effort to escape the warming, would head for major metropolitan cities as soon as next week.

A woman in Evanston, Illinois, has received hundreds of prank phone calls in recent years because her name sounds like the term for a massive tidal wave. Sue Nammi expressed disgust with the situation. "These people are stupid; that's all I can say," Ms. Nammi stated. "I knew a girl in grade school named Devasating Tornado and no one seemed to think anything of it. I am sure she is not getting calls day and night."

The calls surged like a high tide during the Asian Tsunami two years ago. "People were calling me asking why I did it. Hello? I didn't do it. If they would check the spelling, they would see that it is not the same. I guess people want a face on everything, even natural disasters."