PiDDLE News Network

Jesus is Considering a Wednesday or a Thursday for his Return

Jesus Christ reportedly is just now deciding on an exact day to come back to Earth in glory, the Vatican announced today. Early reports indicate that Jesus is to choose between Wednsday or Thursday, but even that could change. "Coming back in glory is a tough business," a Vatican official declared, "And Jesus wants to make sure he gets the right day. We think he is checking people's schedules to ensure there are no serious conflicts. That's the kind of spiritual icon he is."

Radio Talk Show Host Rush Limbaugh

Radio host Rush Limbaugh is now teaching a Dale Carnegie Human Relations Course in his spare time. The talk show host, known for his abrasive style, is teaching Dale Carnegie in the Washington, D.C., area. His course, starting in June, has one student signed up so far. "We believe the additon of Mr. Limbaugh to our classes is a win-win-win-win," Stuart Upp declared from the Dale Carnegie offices in New York. "He knows how to treat people; and people know how to treat him."

Customer Service Rep Sits on a Rock Waiting for Calls

Kate Splindler, a customer service representative for Bank of America, has a desk on a rock. She does not have a phone, but she is to handle all calls that come into her. Her supervisor says she is doing a good job. "I don't know how I am supposed to help anyone here with no phone or other means to contact them," Ms. Splindler stated. "I can see other poeple on other rocks, and they are not doing too much either. I guess it is OK to sit here and collect my $10.00 an hour. I really do not know what else to do. "

Bank of America, in a statement, said the following. "We are proud of our customer service team and the work they do. We are customer driven. And if that means some of our representatives sit on rocks doing nothing, it clearly is for the best thing for the customer, because we are doing it. That is, if we are doing it, it is good for the customer. Or so I have been told."

This Presidential Bobblehead had an IQ that Was Off the Charts

A bobblehead doll has been measured for an IQ - and scientists insist that it is higher than the actual former president's intelligience measure. Amid arrogant, babbling rants on the Bush administration, Jimmy Carter has been labeled a dunce by knowledge experts. And these same experts, citing disconnected thought-precesses, predict the former president's IQ has dipped to below 60. This opened the door for the measuring of the bobblehead doll and its astonishing smarts. The bobblehead actually speaks, too. In a statement, the bobblehead stated, "I wish Jimmy Carter would leave the speaking to me."

"The Fish FM" is a favorite station of a Satanic Cult

A Satanic cult has named Christian radio station "The Fish FM" as their favorite station. Lord Master of Perpetual Darkness, Jerome Slotts stated, "They say they play music that is 'safe for the whole family', and that is improtant to us. Well, that and his Ultimate Darkness, but that is another topic. We don't mind the ignorant, mind-numbingly bland DJs or the uplifting music, it's sort of 'kitchy'. We have families too, you know."

Nielsen Radio Intelligience reported that Satan worshipers make up more than 50% of the Christian music radio's audience. Station Manager Skip "Sunny" Smith, when asked to comment, could only take the Lord's name in vail. Pity.

Satanic Cult's Favorite Station

Plans for "Shrek 4: Iraq" Are In the Works

The new Shrek movie is so bad, many children booed the friendly ogre at a recent preview of Shrek 3. "This really sucks," young Jennifer Flooer exclaimed after viewing the show. "It is an insult to my developing intelligience." Her friend, eight-year old Johnny Moist added, " If I could write better, I would send a nasty-gram to the studio over this. As it stands, my verbal skills are far more advanced than my writing skills, so I guess they are in the clear for now."

REUTERS, as edited by PeeNN
Published: May 16, 2007

Adding a new level to stupidity to corporate America, a man hired to search for candidates for a high level post at Visa recommended hiring himself.

Visa named a credit card industry veteran, Joseph W. Saunders, as chairman and chief executive yesterday, to oversee preparations for a planned initial public offering.

Visa, the world’s largest credit card payment system, had appointed Mr. Saunders to help Visa find a chief executive but in the end decided that he was the best choice, the company said.

In addition to the new job, Saunder also recommended that Darryl Hannah date him and that he play in the next ten Master's Golf tourneys, even though he is a 15 handicap.

Mr. Saunders, 61, was previously president of card services at Washington Mutual, which he joined after the bank acquired his former employer, Providian Financial.

Visa said in October that it planned a public offering to finance its expansion and help pay legal costs, saying it expected the process to take 12 to 18 months.

As part of the lead-up to the offering, the company plans later this year to merge its United States, Canadian and international units to form Visa Inc., the entity that will go public and be led by Mr. Saunders.

The Associated Pressed

LONDON -- J.K. Rowling has a request for those with inside dirt on her seventh and final Harry Potter book: Buy More Books!

"We're a little under three months away, now, and the first distant rumblings of the weirdness that usually precedes a Harry Potter publication can be heard on the horizon," Rowling wrote on her Web site Monday.

"I want the readers who have, in many instances, grown up with Harry, to embark on the last adventure they will share with him without knowing where they are they going. Also, they should buy more books. Buy all of them. Again."

The author's comments came in response to an April 28 editorial by a leading Potter fan site, http://www.the-leaky-cauldron.org, which noted that it had been receiving "spoiler" e-mails — and expected many more — alleging advance knowledge of the book's contents.

Rowling has said two major characters will die in "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows," which comes out July 21. And none too soon. The deaths save the world from any more Harry Potter books, which is great.

"If Harry dies, we don't want to know about it until J.K. Rowling decides to tell us," Leaky Cauldron webmaster Melissa Anelli wrote. "And if you decide to tell us before that, you'll incur the wrath of a staff of almost 200, most of whom have been waiting almost 10 years for these final revelations and can NEVER get back the moment you rob by spoiling them. Plus these people have no lives, which in itself is sad.

On Monday, Rowling seconded the fan site's plea.

"Some, perhaps, will read this and take the view that all publicity is good publicity, that spoilers are part of hype, and that I am trying to protect sales rather than my readership," Rowling wrote on http://www.jkrowling.com. "However, spoilers won't stop people buying the book, they never have - all it will do is diminish their pleasure in the book."

Celebrity Baby Blog: Substance on the Internet

Finally, amid challenging worldwide social crisis, there is a place to go for complete and relevant information that matters. Celebrity baby blog is a new site that chronicles the
goings-on of celebrities and their babies! Hurray! The baby clothes are examined for brand and authenticity and the reader is even directed to places to buy them. This highly useful site could not have come at a better time. Word is that our troops in Iraq are gobbling this stuff up. It is the most-frequented site on the military network. No wonder; the hard-hitting investigative pieces provide insight that is hard to find anywhere else.

Hurray for Celebrity Baby Blow!

Celebrity Baby Blog here!

Jim Gray Is An Idiot

NBC Sportscaster, Jim Gray joined NBC Sports in August 1994 to serve as a reporter for the network's NFL pre-game show. After slipping on a banana peel during coverage a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders' slumber party, his duties have expanded to include reporting on telecasts of the NBA, Major League Baseball - including the World Series - Notre Dame football, selected golf events and the Olympic Games. Despite this, he is so dull you want to kill yourself after listening to him for ten seconds.

He has received critical acclaim for much of his NBC work, which makes no sense to anyone with any sense. His other major events with NBC have included work at the World Series, the 1997 and 1999 Ryder Cups, the 1998 ALCS, the NBA Finals and three Super Bowls. All things that happened over a decade ago. Big deal.

This is Gray's second tour with NBC Sports. He slipped through the cracks somehow.

Prior to 1988, Gray was ESPN's West Coast Bureau Chief, and he also worked as an ESPN reporter for coverage of the Americas Cup, the NBA and the Super Bowl. After his first stint with NBC, Gray was a reporter for CBS Sports, where he worked at Super Bowls XXIV and XXVI and also provided information and interviews for CBS's NFL pre-game show. Other awards include Most Likely to be A Kiss-Ass, Most Hated Reporter by Pete Rose, Most Deplorable Excuse for a Human Being (1988 and 1989) and Most Unlikely to Get A Real Life that Doesn't Directly Involve Getting Into Others' Business.

The Queen Announcing Her Interest In Playing in Spider-Man 4

The Queen of England announced that she will be playing a role in the next Spider-Man movie. The Queen's publicist stated, "The Queen's schedule will allow for a movie role every now and then, and this is a good one. She is actually a big Spider-Man fan. We are still working out details."

Spider-Man 3 opened last weeend to record sales.

Sandra Bullock is Fourth Wife of Jesse James, Motorcycle Entreprenuer

Sandra Bullock expressed gratitude in being the fourth wife of serial monogamist Jesse James. "I have never been happier," the glowing Bullock stated. "I adore his four, umm, five kids, and all of their different moms. It is so great to keep track of the schedules of my stepkids. I mean, just terrific. I especially like coordinating with the moms on when they will see their kids. It is so easy. It only takes six hours or so a week."

Bullock continued, "Being single really prepared me for this circus. When I was single, I organized stuff and argued with people, much like I do now. The only difference is that I argue with teenagers and their mothers now. Constantly. Which is a little different. I am so happy! It is so worth it."

Bad Hats Ruled the Day Again At Kentucky Derby

The state synonymous with Bad Hatting again attracted some of the worst head wear in the history of commerce for the annual Kentucky Derby. For reasons unknown to man, woman believe that large head-gear is a must for this horse race. Historians believe that the short duration of the race, some two minutes, is the reason people feel compelled to wear the unattractive bonnets. "It is the only time of the year they can wear this crap," said jockey Swell Mattington. "And they only have to wear it for two minutes, which is a plus."

Woman drives car into convenience store

from Secret Sources:

The convenience store in Nagoya.NAGOYA -- A woman accidentally drove her car into a Circle K convenience store here on Saturday, smashing a glass wall and a magazine rack but injuring nobody, police said.

The 59-year-old woman pulled in to the convenience store's parking lot in Nagoya's Minato-ku at about 10 a.m.

As she was about to stop, the woman mistakenly stepped on the accelerator instead of the brake causing the car to travel over a barrier block and smash through a glass wall of the convenience store, police said.