PiDDLE News Network

LITTLE ROCK, Ark. - Wal-Mart Stores Inc. quietly stopped selling two Michael Vick of dog treats in July, after customers voiced concerns that the Chinese products may have caused their pets to fall ill, but no recall has been announced, a company spokeswoman confirmed.

"We cannot understand why people wouldn't want to pay these ridiculously low prices for these fine quality items. So a few dogs were inconvenienced; low prices rule," a spokesperson stated.

The world’s largest retailer started pulling "VICK-LICIOUS" Chicken Jerky Strips from Import-Pingyang Pet Product Co. and "VICK-EXTRA-LICIOUS" Chicken Jerky from Shanghai Bestro Trading on July 26, spokeswoman Deisha Galberth said late Monday.

Wal-Mart also placed a computerized block on all cash registers to prevent workers from selling the products, Galberth said.

Starbucks Plans Major Expansion

Starbucks outlined their vision of the future today in a paper titled "Where We Belong". The paper outlined their plan for the next 10 years and the varying geographic outlets they will occupy to deliver their caffeinated goods. Meanwhile, economists scratched their heads over the financial mystery surrounding the cash flow of 20,000 stores across the world.

You Cannot Bake with this Dough, but it smells good

Bakery Chefs in France have discovered that that PLAY DOH is not actually dough, and you cannot bake with it. "The colorful pallette of this product does not disconect from the important fact that there is not much you can do with it," a frustrated pastry chef opined. " I mean, this is criminal behavior."

Indeed, Interstate Bakeries in Portland, Maine, are considering a class action lawsuit alleging fraud and misrepresenting the product. "We have reasonable expectations that a product named "Doh" will be bakeable," Chef Bresslyn stated. "We are outraged that this appears to be nothing more than a cheap child's play-toy that happens to smell appealing. This will not stand."

Barack Obama Campaigns At Hooters Restaurant

Barack Obama found a new favorite campaign hangout: Hooters Restaurant. The presidential hopeful spent an entire week in a Hooters Restaurant without leaving to demonstrate his commitment to getting the vote of the wait staff. "Getting these young women to vote for me is vital to my campaign. I will come back and spend a month here if I have to," an articulate Obama stated to the press. When he was not pressing flesh during the stop, he was playing pinball with aides to pass the time. He slept on a butcher block counter in the back of the restaurant.

This Harry Potter Reader May Not Make It. Oh well.

Readers of the Harry Potter book series may have a suicide rate of twenty times the national average. "It's because they are dull and stupid," a Neville Grimes, a prominent suicide counselor opined. "They reach a point of boredom, and then they read this literary hubris and it pushes them over the edge. It's criminal, really."

The World Federation is considering placing warning labels on the book beginning in OCtober of this year.

Depresed Sergio Zyman Needs to Re-Invent Himself

Sergio Zyman needs a change. He can't help but get defensive over a multi-million dollar blunder he made while at Coke. Every day, he trades on this blunder as CEO of Zyman Group, a marketing "strategy" company.

Interview Excerpt from Forbes.com

Lewis: Welcome, everyone. Sergio is here and we're ready to begin. First off, Sergio, at Coca-Cola in the mid '80s you presided over the ill-fated New Coke launch, and now you're out with a new book, Renovate Before You Innovate, which warns against the pitfalls of innovation. Is this book based on your sobering New Coke experience?

Zyman: Coke and New Coke was 20 years ago!!!!!!!!!!! The book is based on experiences during my 30 years of doing this.

Including being so confident of New Coke that he risked hundreds of millions of dollars. What geniuses hire this guy? Why is this guy so defensive?

The Little Train That Cantante: El Cantante Movie Sucks

Criticism and controversy have trailed Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony in recent days as they made their way across country to attend advance screenings for their new movie, "El Cantante," about the rise and fall of one of salsa's most inventive vocalists, Hector Lavoe. Now this. Viewers vomited after seeing just thirty minutes of the long epic.

Lopez fired back in a tone that echoed the feisty character she plays in the film, Puchi Perez, wife of the late Lavoe, played by Marc Anthony. Seated next to her husband as they greeted well-wishers, Lopez challenged the critics: "I know that I make movie, but movie not make me. If people not like, then I not like people. Can it be any clearer?"

It's been a rough ride for the New York power couple, who have worked for almost six years to make the movie, the maiden effort from Lopez's Nuyorican Productions. The film, which opened Friday, is getting panned by critics and blasted by big-name salsa stars, including some who actually worked on the project. Further, the movie cost over $200 million to make, including salaries of over $100 million to the power duo.

The attacks have been merciless, especially on the Internet, where the filmmakers have been accused of usurping barrio culture and exploiting Lavoe's memory. J.Lo and Anthony don't know anything about salsa, grouses one caustic critic from a Yahoo Latin jazz discussion group. They grew up in New York singing in English and turned to Latin music only to make money, the poster grumbles bitterly.

From LA Times, Edited incorrectly by PiDDLE

Drinks Are On You: Here's A Cup that leaks on Your Trousers After You Remove and Replace the Lid

A national study finds that STARBUCKS(R) Coffee Lids leak 100% of the time when removed and replaced on the same cup. This suspect cup performance was observed across the country with amazing consistency. A lid conspiracy theorist is examining the patter for possible connections to organized crime, the Catholic Church or to the Mormons, who shun the consumption of coffee. Also, there is the possibility that a group of dry cleaners are causing the leak as they are the ones to benefit most from the stains.