PiDDLE News Network

The Separation of Cash from Church

The Catholic Church in Los Angeles has asked local parishes to pony up cash to pay for sex abuse claims.

The LA Times reports that there are 288 parishes in the archdiocese, and their money is held in a common investment pool -- currently $600 million -- managed by the archdiocese. Many older, more affluent parishes have what amount to endowments built up over many years. In February, Mahony wrote to the pastors of 101 parishes, telling them that because they are part of "a group of parishes with cash investments of $1 million or more ... I am asking you and your parish leaders to consider ways to assist me and our local church" with outright grants or no- or low-interest loans. Depending on the amount of their uncommitted investments, Mahony suggested that the individual parishes contribute as much as $400,000. Theoretically, the cardinal could simply order the parishes to contribute, but he has declined to do so.







Separately, the Church has asked 15,000 retired priests to find a way to "expedite their meeting with the Holy Father, if you know what we mean" in order to have more cash to assign to the crisis.

Paltrow Got Paid Thousands To Promote New Two-Tone Eyeliner

Ditzy diva Gwyneth Paltro is endorsing a new two-tone eyeliner that looks like clown face paint. "The money's good, so whatever," the "actress" stated at a fundraiser this weekend. The two-tone look is a longshot to take-off, just like the languishing prospects for Paltrow. Worse yet, Paltrow first wore the makeup for an important anti-aids charity campaign, making a mockery of her involvement while sending the charity's fund raising down the tubes.

Engaging Bridesmaids' Photo from Dr. Phil's Son's Wedding

Dr. Phil's publicist has released a photo from his son's wedding. The photo, featuring the bride and two members of the wedding party leaning up against an oversized Playboy magazine cover, is provocative. Dr. Phil released a statement about the ceremony. "You don't need a shovel to dig yourself a grave. If you want to be a sandwich, you need some bread," the bald guru commented. Oprah, in a prepared statement, commented as well. "I have never been more embarrassed for an associate, and by extension, for myself. No further comment"

Katie Couric to Leave the News to become Bodybuilder

Catie Couric is leaving CBS news to become a bodybuilder. Her bulging biceps are already bristling at the possibility of hitting the gym in search of prize money. "It's a change, definately," the newsanchor stated. "But it is a welcome change that will provide great opportunity for growth."

Michelle Wie "Moonwalking" Down the Fairway at the Cloon Tournament

Goofy golf phenom Michelle Wie is in love with Robin Lopez, a fellow student at Stanford. And to show her rosy glee, she has taken to "moonwalking" her way down fairways at her tournaments. Morgan Pressel, another young up and comer on the tour, expressed disbelief. "It is kind of creepy," the young Ms. Pressel stated. "Boyfriend or no boyfriend, she should walk normally down the fairway like everyone else." Natalie Gulbis agreed, in a way. "I am glad to be a part of the LPGA tour," the diplomatic Ms. Gulbis stated. "And I support people's right to walk anyway they want. I have never been a fan of the "moonwalk".

Sam the Sniper "Hides" in a Tree

A sniper has emerged to corroborate Hillary Clinton's sniper story from last month. "She's right; I was there," Sam Sniper said in a published statement. "I am just not a very good shot. I stink, really. But that's OK, I like Hillary more than Mr. Obama. She has the experience. Obama is not ready to govern at this level yet."

The Obama camp had no comment on Sam Sniper's comment.