PiDDLE News Network

This Harry Potter Reader May Not Make It. Oh well.

Readers of the Harry Potter book series may have a suicide rate of twenty times the national average. "It's because they are dull and stupid," a Neville Grimes, a prominent suicide counselor opined. "They reach a point of boredom, and then they read this literary hubris and it pushes them over the edge. It's criminal, really."

The World Federation is considering placing warning labels on the book beginning in OCtober of this year.

Depresed Sergio Zyman Needs to Re-Invent Himself

Sergio Zyman needs a change. He can't help but get defensive over a multi-million dollar blunder he made while at Coke. Every day, he trades on this blunder as CEO of Zyman Group, a marketing "strategy" company.

Interview Excerpt from Forbes.com

Lewis: Welcome, everyone. Sergio is here and we're ready to begin. First off, Sergio, at Coca-Cola in the mid '80s you presided over the ill-fated New Coke launch, and now you're out with a new book, Renovate Before You Innovate, which warns against the pitfalls of innovation. Is this book based on your sobering New Coke experience?

Zyman: Coke and New Coke was 20 years ago!!!!!!!!!!! The book is based on experiences during my 30 years of doing this.

Including being so confident of New Coke that he risked hundreds of millions of dollars. What geniuses hire this guy? Why is this guy so defensive?

The Little Train That Cantante: El Cantante Movie Sucks

Criticism and controversy have trailed Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony in recent days as they made their way across country to attend advance screenings for their new movie, "El Cantante," about the rise and fall of one of salsa's most inventive vocalists, Hector Lavoe. Now this. Viewers vomited after seeing just thirty minutes of the long epic.

Lopez fired back in a tone that echoed the feisty character she plays in the film, Puchi Perez, wife of the late Lavoe, played by Marc Anthony. Seated next to her husband as they greeted well-wishers, Lopez challenged the critics: "I know that I make movie, but movie not make me. If people not like, then I not like people. Can it be any clearer?"

It's been a rough ride for the New York power couple, who have worked for almost six years to make the movie, the maiden effort from Lopez's Nuyorican Productions. The film, which opened Friday, is getting panned by critics and blasted by big-name salsa stars, including some who actually worked on the project. Further, the movie cost over $200 million to make, including salaries of over $100 million to the power duo.

The attacks have been merciless, especially on the Internet, where the filmmakers have been accused of usurping barrio culture and exploiting Lavoe's memory. J.Lo and Anthony don't know anything about salsa, grouses one caustic critic from a Yahoo Latin jazz discussion group. They grew up in New York singing in English and turned to Latin music only to make money, the poster grumbles bitterly.

From LA Times, Edited incorrectly by PiDDLE

Drinks Are On You: Here's A Cup that leaks on Your Trousers After You Remove and Replace the Lid

A national study finds that STARBUCKS(R) Coffee Lids leak 100% of the time when removed and replaced on the same cup. This suspect cup performance was observed across the country with amazing consistency. A lid conspiracy theorist is examining the patter for possible connections to organized crime, the Catholic Church or to the Mormons, who shun the consumption of coffee. Also, there is the possibility that a group of dry cleaners are causing the leak as they are the ones to benefit most from the stains.

Harry Potter Actor: "Look, I Can Still Wave My Wand"

The UK's Daily Mail reports that Harry Potter fan sites have received emails from concerned, stupid parents.

"We as parents feel Daniel should not appear nude. Our nine-year-old son looks up to him as a role model. We are very disappointed and will avoid the future movies he makes," one parent wrote. "Besides, we paid $19.95 for this book, and that allows us to dictate what this teenager does professionally. I mean, our son looks up to him. Doesn't anyone understand that?"

Another said: "I am curious as to how and why his parents said this was okay. I heard his dad said OK and the mom said 'no'."

Some of his younger fans, however, are impressed with Radcliffe's tough new look.

"I am completely stunned by these pix," wrote GinnyPotter on fan site danradcliffe.co.uk.

"He is no longer the shy boy in the prefects' bathroom anymore. His body is .... I can't even say or I will no doubt be banned but he has grown a lot and I am very proud of Daniel. Or as proud of someone I do not know as I can be."

Another wrote: "When I saw it I couldn't breathe for a moment. I was shocked. But [the] pictures are very cool and very good. I like it ... They're awesome!"

CARNOUSTIE, Scotland (AP) - A woman was hit in the head by Tiger Woods' ball when he sliced an approach at the British Open on Saturday. She needed two stitches to close the wound.

Jennifer Wilson, from Antrim, Northern Ireland, was treated by medical staff after being driven away in a golf cart. Woods had earlier apologized and given the 63-year-old an autographed glove. Wilson was struck just short of the green at the par 5 sixth hole at Carnoustie, where she was standing with her husband.

"We were standing 30 yards short of the green and I said to Jennifer: 'Get your crash helmet on, Tiger's coming,"' Cecil Wilson said. "I could not believe it when Jennifer then got 'clunked,' but he does go off line from time to time. She just sank to her knees and we laid her down flat. She's had two stitches and there was quite a lot of blood. A guy in the crowd said he was a doctor, but to be honest we didn't really need him.

"She was pretty quiet and several people helped to get pieces of paper and napkins to stem the bleeding. She's lying down, but is hoping to go back and see some more golf. We are trying to get Tiger to sign the ball. My wife did him a favor, she headed it back in for him. Even so, he lost big. That's some thanks we get."

Woods went on to par the hole, at which point he was 1 under, five behind leader Sergio Garcia.

POPE: KIX Cereal "Not Really Cereal - Jesus prefers Cherios"

Continuing his tirade against consumer products and the world's religions, the POPE announced that KIX is "not really a cereal" and that Jesus "would not eat it". When pressed for his source, the pontiff only smiled. Speculation is rampant that the Vatican has developed new technology to allow the Pope to talk directly to Jesus. And that Jesus is eager to assign holy preference to breakfast cereal. A General Mills spokesperson had no comment.

The Pope got in holy hot water yesterday when he announced that the world's religions were not valid. In response, the world's religions said, "What?"

The Certain Pope: Speaks For Jesus

LORENZAGO DI CADORE, Italy - Pope Benedict XVI has reasserted the universal primacy of the Roman Catholic Church and other products, approving a document released Tuesday that says Orthodox churches were defective and that other Christian denominations were not true churches. And that Jesus would have liked and preferred NIKE brand shoes and Diet Pepsi.

Benedict approved a document from his old offices at the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith that restates church teaching on relations with other Christians. It was the second time in a week the pope has corrected what he says are erroneous interpretations of the Second Vatican Council, the 1962-65 meetings that modernized the church.

On Saturday, Benedict revisited another key aspect of Vatican II by reviving the old Latin Mass. Traditional Catholics cheered the move, but more liberal ones called it a step back from Vatican II. Also, in a surprise move, the Pope announced that Catholics can no longer use buttons or zippers in their clothes. He also called dry cleaning the "work of the devil".

From MSN, Edited by PiDDLE

Barbara Walters Turns Green for LiveEarth

In a sure sign of the media going overboard, Barbara Walters dipped her head in green JELLO to celebrate LiveEarth. The stunt was protested by Bill Cosby and a host of other celebrities. The unsightly, startling outcome caused the band Green Day to drop the word "Green" from their name and become just "Day". Unfortunately, due to concentrations of High Fructose Corn Syrup in the JELLO product, the stain does not come out. Barbara Walters commented, "I wish I knew that this was permanent before I did it."

This Picture Was Selected for the Hillary Clinton Campaign for Its Authenticity

Kris Crust, campaign manager for the Elect Hillary Clinton Presidential Campaign, selected his focus photo today. THe photo has casued an outrage as some call it it "unflattering" to the senator. "It is really rediculous to call it unflattering," Crust retorted. "People don't call the Obama photos unflattering. Or the Kucinish (sic) pictures unflaterring. This is sexism at a very basic level." The photo will be used for all outdoor advertsising from now until the primaries.

Al Gore Blows A Gasket over Live Earth Budget

Al Gore went nuts when he discoverd that the bands he lined up for LiveEarth actually had to be paid for their time. Although the event raised over $1 Billion, the costs were approximately $2 Billion, making a $1 Billion loss. The Gore camp has cancelled its Global Warming Telethon, scheduled for Labor Day, and has replaced it with "LiveEarth Debt Relief-A-Thon""

Excellent Coverage: For A Speaker with A Toupee, It's Ira Blumenthal

Ira Blumenthal leads the "Speakers with Toupees" series in Chicago next week. His talk, "Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow", chronicles his path of being a speaker who covers his bald spot with synthetic hair. "I like talking about hair because I like talking about loss," Blumnethal stated. "If baldness is concerned, I've got it covered!"

See video clips at link below to find out!

Does Ira Have a Toupee?

The Monster.com Logo Was Approved While Founders Were "Impaired"

Monster.com founders, with a logo seemingly disconnected to anything to do with their core business, admitted to being "impaired" when the approved the graphics. Gerund Floosdom, founder of the popular web site, stated, "It was either that or a flying car, and we thought the green monster clearly articulated our value proposition."

Did A Flying Kenny G Hit Someone in the Head?

MALIBU, Calif. -- Investigators are trying to determine when a flying Kenny G threw objects from a bluff-top compound owned by musician Kenny G that struck a 9-year-old girl on the head.

The incident happened June 23 when Brooke Porter was at the beach with her family and she was hit in the head, according to Los Angeles County sheriff's detectives. She needed four stitches to close her wound.





Although authorities would not say what was thrown, Kenny G's attorney said Hershey's Kisses and a PowerBar energy bar were thrown.

"I have been informed a PowerBar hit the girl accidentally on the head," said attorney Lee Blackman. "It was just an accident. We have told Kenny not to fly aymore. He's grounded."

From MSN Services, Edited by PiDDLE

He said Kenny G's wife paid the girl's medical bill.

The girl's parents were upset about the incident and believe whoever threw the items targeted Brooke and her brother, Chase, a 12-year-old with Down's syndrome and autism.

Peanuts Have Been Shown to Bring Deceased People Back from the Dead

Peanuts have been shown to raise the dead in a study by the journal "Miracle".
In a month-long study, dead people eating peanuts were shown to come back to life. The formerly dead people appeared quite grateful to be alive again, and cited the peanut for their recoveries. Bill Squall, a peanut farmer, exclaimed, "This is really gonna increase sales, I think!"