Entries by davenoise

Michael Phelps is trying to Locate His Missing Medals Before His Mom Finds Out
Michael Phelps, Gold-medal winning Olympian, has lost two of his coveted gold medals in the Olympic lunchroom. "I was busy being humble, then I turned around, and two medal were missing," the swimming star reported. It didn't help that the tuna fish was terrible; it really distracted me."

Chinese officials say they may replace the medals if they do not turn up. "This is the first time we have had this happen," a distressed Malcolm JingJing stated. "But we are committed to fixing the problem. AS long as no one is killed we are really happy."

Is Russia Intereted in the Atlanta Braves?

The CIA reports that Russia invaded Georgia to take over the Atlanta Braves. America's baseball team, conveniently located in the heart of Georgia, is now an easy target for takeover from the might Russian military. "We suspected this all along," an unamed CIA official stated. "Look, these guys have no real team to follow. And taking over the Braves by force would be a major coup. We're going to make sure they don't get away with it. They thought we wouldn't notice, but we're smarter than that."

Jolie's Son, Maddux, Does His Impression of Kiss' Gene Simmons

Not content to be adopted by an A-list actress, Angelina Jolie's son, Maddux, is trying out for a Kiss tribute band. The tiny tot, barely 3 years old, lined up outside a pub in England over the weekend to try out for the Kiss cover band, Mini KISS. Among hundreds of twenty-somethings vying for the part, he is a long shot for the part. But his mother seemed to think otherwise. A rep reported that Jolie was going to tour with the band; interest perked up considerably.

Rock and Roll All Nite.

Sheryl Crow with Attractive Friend in New York City

In a publicity stunt that some say has gone too far, singer Sheryl Crow has turned herself into an actual crow. The transformation took place over the last few weeks as Ms. Crow underwent Crow Transformation surgery. The music industry is abuzz as no one knows how this will affect her voice. Further, and more imortantly, Ms. Crow no longer fits into her stage outfits and will have to buy all new clothes.







Ms. Crow's new album, from the Cros'w nest, is expected to be released in OCtober. There is buzz aplenty with the disc. With ponential hits like "I'm Black, Black, Black" and "Beak Tweak Boogie", the album is destined to be an instant classic. Or it could suck.

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New Photo of Barak Obama

BREAKING NEWS BELOW FROM THE OBAMA CAMPAIGN





A new campaign photo of Barack Obama was released today showing a youthful presidential hopeful. The Obama camp ostensibly wants to appeal to a younger voting block with the fun-loving photo. Even so, some sources indicate that the photo is not of Obama - it's actually beloved 70's sitcom star Gary Coleman. CNN reports that the resemblance is striking. Reached for comment, the Clinton campaign had no comment.

Hand, Shown Here, Attacked a SPLENDA(R) BOX Without Warning

A giant hand attacked a SPLENDA sweetener box without warning yesterday and caused serious damage to the box. The box reported several creased edges and a crushed corner. The attack, according to box police, was unprovoked and caused great concern in the box neighborhood. "We try to be quiet boxes here, but this was not quiet at all," a spoke-box stated.







In related news, a giant foot stepped on styrofoam cup; no one was injured. Newscasters were quick to point out that the foot was giant compared to the cup and not much else. CNN attempted to get an exclusive on the story, but was denied access to the cup carnage.

Ben Affleck closely inspects a new staircase for imperfections at his Long Island home on Thursday of last week. The actor found no cause for alarm after viewing the construction. Even so, his laptop and movie notes for his screenplay, "The One Who Couldn't But Did Anyway", were destroyed during the visual review.

A Modest New Bear Stearns Corporate Headquarters Was Unveiled This Week

The new Bear Stearns Headquarters was unveiled this week in upstate New York. The disgraced firm, reeling from a number of financial losses, had to downsize their ambitions to reflect their new financial reality. It's not Manhattan, but we'll adjust," the new CEO Cruddy Cookenheimer stated. They do have plans for improvements. "We're hoping to have running water by Q4," the CEO stated in closing.





In the new lunchroom, meals are served on recycled paper plates. The plates, still soggy from an earlier cleansing, represent an ill-fated attempt to trim costs at all costs. The moisture is absorbed into the bread of the sandwiches, turning some employees off. Bottled water is banned. And casual Fridays mean that the tent is propped open to allow for some semblance of a breeze. "We'll get though this," the receptionist, Clina Ward, insisted, "but some days it doesn't feel like the same place."

This Photo From the "Indiana Jones: Temple of Arthritis" Movie Set Was Released this Week

Harrison Ford stars in the new "Indiana Jones" movie to be released in late 2009. Photos of the movie set were released today showing that great care is being exercised for the aging actor. The aging actor, who is confined to a motorized cart, is being physically "propped up" for various scenes in the action-thriller.

The Pope Bobblehead is Sure to Be a Hot Seller. Buy One or Burn in Hell.

Pope Benedict unveiled the real reason for his trip to America today: To promote his new bobblehead doll.

The handsome doll is a replica of the Pope, from head to toe. The bobblehead neck allows the Pope's fake head to look uncertain, yet dignified. Pricing on the bobblehead is $12.95, not including shipping. People who purchase the product are guaranteed salvation. Proceeds go to Pope Bendict shoe fund.




In other Pope news, the Vatican announced that Pope Benedict has banned Catholics from drinking Mountain Dew. Citing the Gnostic uprising, the Pope declared Mountain Dew dangerous and very much like the "stuff that caused problems" during the second century. "Good Catholics will know not to drink this evil liquid," he Pontif, well, pontificated. "And if 7-UP doesn't watch out, they're next."

Rachel Ray: Sent Donut Holes To Hammas; Coincidence?

Who knew that the Palestinians liked fried dough rolled in sugar? Amid a scarf symbolism crisis, a Food Network star is being anything but discrete. In a surprise revelation, Rachel Ray has admitted to sending as many as three dozen donut holes to the Hammas organization in Palestine. "Yummers, these donut holes taste so good. I think I will cash this check from Dunkin' Donuts," the perky foodie declared in an interview.






Ms. Ray's troubles have not ended with this Dunkin' Donuts fiasco. Her credibility has been called into question by Oprah Winfrey over the sale of books that promote low calorie meals.
The low calorie book, titled "Meals Oprah Would Not Eat Unless She Ate Two of Them", has hit the New York Times best seller list, infuriating Ms. Winfrey. "Gail said the book was a bunch of hooey," the Oprah stated. "And I am so mad, albeit through Gail. Now I am hungry."

The Separation of Cash from Church

The Catholic Church in Los Angeles has asked local parishes to pony up cash to pay for sex abuse claims.

The LA Times reports that there are 288 parishes in the archdiocese, and their money is held in a common investment pool -- currently $600 million -- managed by the archdiocese. Many older, more affluent parishes have what amount to endowments built up over many years. In February, Mahony wrote to the pastors of 101 parishes, telling them that because they are part of "a group of parishes with cash investments of $1 million or more ... I am asking you and your parish leaders to consider ways to assist me and our local church" with outright grants or no- or low-interest loans. Depending on the amount of their uncommitted investments, Mahony suggested that the individual parishes contribute as much as $400,000. Theoretically, the cardinal could simply order the parishes to contribute, but he has declined to do so.







Separately, the Church has asked 15,000 retired priests to find a way to "expedite their meeting with the Holy Father, if you know what we mean" in order to have more cash to assign to the crisis.

Paltrow Got Paid Thousands To Promote New Two-Tone Eyeliner

Ditzy diva Gwyneth Paltro is endorsing a new two-tone eyeliner that looks like clown face paint. "The money's good, so whatever," the "actress" stated at a fundraiser this weekend. The two-tone look is a longshot to take-off, just like the languishing prospects for Paltrow. Worse yet, Paltrow first wore the makeup for an important anti-aids charity campaign, making a mockery of her involvement while sending the charity's fund raising down the tubes.