Entries by davenoise

Hitting "Bottom" Boo Boo McCarthy, Obama's Campaign Director, is Busy Putting Up Obama Campaign Posters in Unlikely Places

Barack Obama's campaign director, Boo Boo McCarthy, was seen putting up campaign posters in her University of Tennessee dorm room on Sunday night. Then the tireless worker, in an attempt to cover every bare wall with Obama propaganda, went door-to-door at the university. Not a single resident turned down her request to paper the town with Barack.

Britney and Dr. Phil McGraw: Super Bowl Intervention?

Dr. Phil McGraw is planning a Super Bowl intervention with Britney Spears during half-time. Britney, apparently unaware of the secret ploy, believes she will be singing backup with Tom Petty at the annual event. When Tom Petty starts into the familiar intro to "America Girl", Dr. Phil will emerge from a cavity in a large speaker cabinet to begin the intervention. A Dr. Phil representative, speaking on condition of anonymity, says they expect a ratings bonanza from the stunt.

Dr. Phil got in hot water earlier in the month when he allegedly betrayed the confidence of the pop star and her family. Medical ethicists have weighed in on the lapse of judgement, but Dr. Phil has claimed no wrong doing.


Britney and Dr. Phil McGraw: Super Bowl Intervention?

This is her quest? Hillary Clinton gestures during the song "The Impossible Dream" during a debate. Her singing was described as terrible.

Hillary Clinton broke into the song "The Impossible Dream" during a debate this week, terrifying the suprised audience. The song, a favorite, apparently, in the Clinton family, was used to acknowledge the dreams and hopes of the American public. It backfired. "She really sucks," retired plumber Mel Grossman opined after hearing her sing. "Once was pretty bad, but she went back and repeated the bridge, which was intolerable."

Barack Obama's New Campaign Director, Boo Boo McCarthy

Barack Obama, adding heat to his campaign, announced a shake-up in management of his road to the White House. Boo Boo McCarthy, a native of Tennessee and former Hooter's Waitress, has been named campaign director. The announcement was scheduled to be made on Monday, Martin Luther King Day, a typically slower news day. A spokesperson for the campaign stated "Boo Boo is very qualified for this post. She is a go-getter. She knows the differnce between chicken wings and airplane wings. And other important stuff."

Angelina Jolie frightens local children in Budapest with an ice cream cone

In an enormus blunder, screen star Angelina Jolie brought forbidden food to the country of Budapest to help with her adoption efforts. Ice Cream has been banned in Budapest for the last three decades because of a leaky cone scare in the late 1960's. But that didn't stop Ms. Jolie from bringing in the banned treat to help increase her chances of adopting mopre children. The cone was quickly confiscated by police and the Jolie/Pitt duo paid a fine of about US $25,000. A spokesperson for Jolie stated, "She won't do that again."

Barack Obama and His Running Mate in 2008, Toots McGee

Barack Obama has picked his running mate for the 2008 election before even getting the nomination. Toots McGee, a Denny's waitress, will be Mr. Obama's partner if he gets the nomination. Ms. McGee is a logical choice for Obama. Her experience managing customers will be an asset for Mr. Obama, who has never been involved in a for-profit organization. "We're thrilled to have her", a spokeperson from the Obama campaign stated.

Ask Mitt: Why Does It Seem Like You Have a Stick Up Your Butt?

Mitt Romney is asked to explain his anal pose. Paramedics came and had to use the jaws of life to re-establish moving butt cheeks on the presidential hopeful. Asked to defend his consistent, intense point of view, Romney clenched his teeth and emitted a low growling sound.

A New Wildcat Exhibit Opened at San Francisco Zoo Today

The San Fran Zoo has opened a new, more sedate wildcat exhibit in light of recent troubles in that section of the zoo. "I don't think we are going to have trouble with these cats," a smiling curator, Bob Zooper, announced to reporters on Wednesday. "They are not giong over the fence; I guarantee it."

Bad Timing: GolfWeek's Martin Luther King Edition

GolfWeek announced the closing of its offices today in remembrance of the Martin Luther King holiday. "It's a day late, but that's how it goes," a harried interim news director stated as he was heading out the door. "If we're still in business tomorrow, we'll re-open."

Tiger Woods House Features A Golf Ball- Shaped Pool

Tiger Woods, winner of a $10 million prize in the FedEx Cup, decided to spend his money on a golf ball-shaped swimming pool. The pool, loosely fashioned off the 16th water hazard at Cog Hill, features a bubble system that creates a dimpling effect on the water. To add to the authenticity, guests diving into the pool are assessed a penalty when they get out.

Jerry Lewis, MD, Sets Research Sights on Muscular Dystrophy

After raising $60 million in his muscular dystrophy telethon this year, Jerry Lewis is spending it
on his salary as a researcher. A spokesperson for the comedian stated, "We're certain Mr. Lewis can do an effective job doing research in this area. He has done telethons for the last twenty years. And we can't really say there has been any progress by any of those so-called "experts" with the fancy degrees. Let's just say he can't do much worse."

Mr. Lewis has an honorary doctorate in arts from Kaplan, an online university.

LITTLE ROCK, Ark. - Wal-Mart Stores Inc. quietly stopped selling two Michael Vick of dog treats in July, after customers voiced concerns that the Chinese products may have caused their pets to fall ill, but no recall has been announced, a company spokeswoman confirmed.

"We cannot understand why people wouldn't want to pay these ridiculously low prices for these fine quality items. So a few dogs were inconvenienced; low prices rule," a spokesperson stated.

The world’s largest retailer started pulling "VICK-LICIOUS" Chicken Jerky Strips from Import-Pingyang Pet Product Co. and "VICK-EXTRA-LICIOUS" Chicken Jerky from Shanghai Bestro Trading on July 26, spokeswoman Deisha Galberth said late Monday.

Wal-Mart also placed a computerized block on all cash registers to prevent workers from selling the products, Galberth said.

Starbucks Plans Major Expansion

Starbucks outlined their vision of the future today in a paper titled "Where We Belong". The paper outlined their plan for the next 10 years and the varying geographic outlets they will occupy to deliver their caffeinated goods. Meanwhile, economists scratched their heads over the financial mystery surrounding the cash flow of 20,000 stores across the world.

You Cannot Bake with this Dough, but it smells good

Bakery Chefs in France have discovered that that PLAY DOH is not actually dough, and you cannot bake with it. "The colorful pallette of this product does not disconect from the important fact that there is not much you can do with it," a frustrated pastry chef opined. " I mean, this is criminal behavior."

Indeed, Interstate Bakeries in Portland, Maine, are considering a class action lawsuit alleging fraud and misrepresenting the product. "We have reasonable expectations that a product named "Doh" will be bakeable," Chef Bresslyn stated. "We are outraged that this appears to be nothing more than a cheap child's play-toy that happens to smell appealing. This will not stand."

Barack Obama Campaigns At Hooters Restaurant

Barack Obama found a new favorite campaign hangout: Hooters Restaurant. The presidential hopeful spent an entire week in a Hooters Restaurant without leaving to demonstrate his commitment to getting the vote of the wait staff. "Getting these young women to vote for me is vital to my campaign. I will come back and spend a month here if I have to," an articulate Obama stated to the press. When he was not pressing flesh during the stop, he was playing pinball with aides to pass the time. He slept on a butcher block counter in the back of the restaurant.